The Interloper: Official Report, Pt. 1

Day 1, 3:30pm - An Interloper has arrived. Mostly confined to back deck. Good. Maybe he (she?) will stay there for the brief time that she (he?) has on this planet. What a hairy creature. Odd smell, too. I will investigate further and report back.

Day 1, 4:15pm - Threat confirmed. Obvious hostile intentions coyly masked by playful giddiness. I will retreat to my panic room. Awaiting further instructions.

Day 2, 6:15am - I have gained a reasonable understanding of the Interloper's mission: to spray the house with a vile smelling, brown substance. It seems to be inconveniently stored in the hind regions. Surely somebody could have come up with a better design. The humans are spending a great deal of time both mitigating the risk and in clean-up duties. I am still hiding in panic room. Humans have allowed me access to the top shelf. I have no clue as to the Interloper's climbing abilities. I am on full alert.

Day 3, 8:00pm - Per instructions, I have ventured out on a reconnaissance mission. Interloper is confined to the kitchen area with the hardwood floors. Vile brown substance has not been emitted in 2 days, but (my dear lord) I believe she (confirmed) has "eliminated" herself a number of times on the floor and in the large cage the humans are keeping her in. (Damn the trailing preposition.) I issued the standard warning when I was detected and retreated.

Day 4, 4:30pm - The Interloper seems to have quietened down a bit. I approached cautiously today and sniffed. We touched noses. I am retracting my previous statement of the Interloper's mission, for I fear something far more nefarious at play: I now believe she intends to live here. The humans certainly seem to be supporting that assumption. Damn them.

Day 5, 2:00pm - The humans have taken the Interloper away, hopefully for good. I have inspected the house for remnants. All of her known accouterments are still present (e.g., variety of slobber-worn toys, the aforementioned cage, more hand towels than I previously believe existed), so I have to believe she's coming back.

Day 5, 3:00pm - Indeed. She is back and she has been to that damnable doctor's office with the needles and the faux-"treats" designed to lull lesser creatures into domestic compliance. (I am not so easily fooled.) They are clearly preparing her for the long haul in Casa de Lizard. I fear the worst. Must begin counter-measures.

Day 6, 9:00pm - Exhausting day. I must entice my humans with extra playfulness to make up for a complete lack of attention for the past 6 days. They are responding with love and attention, albeit at about 50% the level previous known levels. I will ramp up efforts tomorrow.

Day 7, 10:00pm - Interloper keeps the humans up all night with incessant whines and various other noises. She is confined to her plastic cage, but she is not at all opposed to eliminating within if left unchecked for too long (and getting all manner of foul matter embedded into and caked onto her fur). They rise and take her outside, tethered to a red band, at the first whimper. Apparently she's been using the entire back yard as her own personal litter box. Must be nice.

Day 8, 8:00am - I need rest. I have resumed sleeping with the humans as the bedroom is one place I know the Interloper has no access. But I must rouse with them every 90 minutes or so to check on the Interloper. None of us are getting any sleep. If this continues, I fear the worst. I will report back as often as I'm able. If you don't hear from me in several days, send reinforcements.

G